You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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