Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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