I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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