so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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