You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
the day after is always just damage control
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
