My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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