May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
