those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
