we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
