can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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