Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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