I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
