I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
