So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
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