see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
