I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
