god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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