she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
