Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
