I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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