update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
