i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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