is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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