im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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