Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
