I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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