Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
