I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
