wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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