I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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