FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
