I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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