I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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