I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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