Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
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