Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
