ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
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