I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
