I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
