i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
