at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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