i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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