I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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