Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize