Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
