sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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