he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
