I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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