Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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