my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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