A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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