i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
