I bet he comes in French.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
