watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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