I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
