Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
