He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
