Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
