The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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