So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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