So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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