she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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