My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
