its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
