I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
