I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
