3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I need moral support for this bender
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize