I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
my phone needs a breathalizer
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
