no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize