All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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