had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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