I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
wow bdsm is so cute
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
