too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
