dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
