My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
