Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Randomize
