BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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