if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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