hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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