Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Semen is not good for contacts.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
