I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
